Another Heartbreak

May 6, 2012

I have been avoiding pictures of Chris for a while. They were just too painful, jarring even.  My denial wrapped conscious couldn’t handle the visual reminder that Chris existed and now he doesn’t. 

Chris and my younger niece apple picking

Recently, however, I have been looking at them agian, generally when I am already upset.  Can’t make it much worse, so better to really dive in and get it out.  So I was just looking at some pictures from 2007, when I took Chris apple picking with my sister and her two daughters.  It was such a great day.  We all had fun and the girls loved Chris. That was the day I finally admitted to my 26 year old self that I wanted to marry this man.

Looking at them now brings up these emotions, they are familiar and happy yet painful.  But there is a new emotion with it or maybe it is more of a realization.  When I look at these pictures, I know that Chris is no longer mine.  Ugh, this BREAKS MY HEART.  I still love him and I know he still loves me, but it is a different love. It isn’t the possesive, committed love of man and wife.  It is a more spiritual love.  And it  BREAKS MY HEART.

Most of me hates it.  It makes ms sob and cry out. There is a small part of me, that knows it is true.  Knows that the love has to change, just as our existances have changed.  I have been fighting this for two years.  I loved being Chris’s life. It was the most important thing to me in my life.  But it is, what it is.

3 Responses to “Another Heartbreak”

  1. mml Says:

    This is one of the things that hurts me most about being widowed. Like you said, I LOVED being his. The thought that I’m not his anymore? I just can’t handle it. ((hugs))

  2. Cassie Says:

    Meredith, I’m just now finding your blog and checking in after meeting you at Camp. Sending you hugs and walking right along with you on this crazy journey.
    Frivolously, though, I have tagged you because I like your blog.
    Hope you don’t mind. Feel free to ignore the shit out of me.

    • widowedowl Says:

      Hi Cassie,

      Thanks for checking in. Glad you like the blog, please feel free to tag it. I don’t know that i know 11 bloggers, but I will figure it out.

      Thinking about you this week.

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