2 Years …. Now What?

I survived.  2 years have passed since Chris died.  Even just writing that on “paper” brings up a lot of conflicting emotions and reactions.  On one hand it feels like forever ago, like another lifetime. In many ways it is a different lifetime, like it happened to a different person.  On the other hand, it feels like yesterday that we said goodbye for the last time.

Chris and I grabbing beers a few weeks after we started dating
Summer 2006

This year was a lot easier though.  Last year I made myself sick trying to mark the anniversary with a bbq and making all the special gestures.  This year, I made no special gestures other than wear clothes that reminded me of him.  I spent a quiet weekend with my parents trying to focus on the present. I can’t change the past.  I can’t bring Chris back with big, love focused gestures.  All I can do is make the most of my present. 

Today, I felt it a bit more than yesterday.  There was more anxiety and depression, distraction and dissociation.  It wasn’t like it has been.  It was just a feeling that said loudly “Holy Shit! It has been two years. What the Hell do I do now?”.  

I don’t have an answer.  I don’t think I ever will.  But maybe continually asking myself that question will take me somewhere interesting even if it isn’t very far.