I’m Stuck

December 2, 2011

04/28/10: The Day My Life Ended

I’m stuck.  I don’t know how to explain it other than that and the picture here. 

 This is the calendar in my kitchen that we used to coordinate our schedules.  Most of it is in Chris’s handwriting.  The “Vegas” at the bottom is the trip we were suppose to take to his cousin’s wedding the day after he died.  I am stuck in April of 2010. That is when my life ended.

At first I didn’t want to erase it, to forget what we did in our last month together.  I didn’t want to forget that we belonged to each other.  I didn’t want to erase his handwriting.  Now, I haven’t gotten rid of it because I have been stuck in this cycle of “functioning”.  Getting through the day, waking up by myself, getting through work, coming home to an empty house, eating dinners alone, dragging myself to bed when I can barely keep my eyes open so I don’t think too much about how Chris isn’t in bed with me.  Doing anymore than this has been impossible. I haven’t had the energy to take any steps to adjust my environment, especially confronting anything particularly painful.

I have been living this life, well it isn’t really a life let’s be honest, half in my old one half in a new one.  I live in our house, I changed it some but it’s still the same house.  I go to basically the same job.  I have the same friends.  Rinse and Repeat.  Where I am is not good for me.  It is painful and heavy.  It is a life that was set up for being married, starting a family.  That is not my life anymore.

I need a change, but I don’t know what to change.  If I had some idea some big dream I put on hold to start a family, I could go after it. Do I want to write a book?  Do I want to go live in some exotic location? Sail around the world? I don’t know if I would enjoy those things. I don’t know if they would give me a sense of purpose and fulfillment that I don’t have.  I don’t have any dreams left.  My dream was Chris and our family together.  There wasn’t a single dream or plan in my life that he wasn’t involved in.  As I struggle with my “anguish attacks” and daily depression, I desperately search for something to do to make me feel like I am living again rather than existing.  Until I find something, where does that leave me?  Purgatory.  Stuck in April 2010.