What a week

November 7, 2011

I survived another hard week.  It started with Halloween, which I posted on, and then on Wednesday it was Chris’s birthday.  He would have been 32.  How is that possible?  There are so many thoughts I have on that, so many mixed emotions.  Much like your feel about your own age and disbelief at reaching a certain age.  I can’t believe Chris would be old enough to be 32, I meet him when he was 25.  But at the same time it just highlights how long he has been gone.  This is the second birthday I have been through without him. 

In some ways the worst part of it is that it doesn’t feel like his birthday anymore.  It is just another day.  There are no preparations, no gift buying,  no joy in finding something that will bring him joy.  Just dread at another day that is hard and painful. 

Last year I did something to recognize it.  This year I really couldn’t  other than a “happy birthday Chris” text to his parents.  I thought about going to a movie (he liked to go to dinner and a movie on his birthday). But it was too hard and I was out of energy.  I had one big breakdown and then I think my heart was on shut down mode.

But I survived it and the day passed.  Just like everyday.  It comes and goes. 

This weekend I held a fundraiser with some friends for two causes related to Chris’s death (a scholarship fund and the Myocarditis Foundation http://myocarditisfoundation.org/)  It was a good event with high points and low points.  Mostly I had to fight off the anxiety attacks (it’s really more of an anguish attack, than anxiety, but it has a similar physical response) to get through the night.  

But I did.  As much as I hate these kind of events, because it highlights my loss,  I also know that I am committed to supporting these causes, despite how painful it can be. 

So by yesterday I was exhausted.  I haven’t been sleeping well so I couldn’t even enjoy the extra hour.  I came into this week feeling run down and searching for a way to change my current situation so it isn’t so hard.  Not sure how to do that yet.

I saw this article earlier and wanted to share it: http://news.yahoo.com/loneliness-may-cause-fitful-sleep-study-211927698.html.  I absolutely believe it is true.  I sleep, but fitfully, because I feel too vulnerable to sleep well.  My body can’t fully relax.  I don’t think I will ever sleep as well as I did when Chris was alive.  I no longer have the same sense of security. I am sure it is the same for many other widows and widowers.

One Response to “What a week”

  1. megan Says:

    yup, same. And – anguish attack. That’s a much more perfect name.

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