Music from my past

November 8, 2011

For a long time after Chris died (about 14 months) I avoided music.  It was just too emotional and painful.  Recently I have been rediscovering music, but mostly from my pre-Chris days. It was part of my attempt to re-explore things I enjoyed BC (before Chris) which I posted about here: https://widowedowl.wordpress.com/2011/10/03/some-new-realizations/   So I am going back to childhood, high school, and college and have identified some new anthems that help with various moods or help me move through emotions as my subconscious pushes the worst of it away a lot.

So here are some of my new go-to songs

For anger/anguish/the need to scream out loud … I go back to my teen years (pre-teen too).  I once loved “alternative” music.  I went through a rebellious phase.  You wouldn’t know it to look at me now as I wear a suit most days.  I didn’t listen to this kind of music as much with Chris, it wasn’t his favorite and I didn’t identify with it as much as I was happy.  But now, the pain, the anguish, the screaming it really helps me out.  This includes music by Lincoln Park, Nine Inch Nails, Chevelle to name a few.  The main anthem right now though is Burn by the Cure from The Crow Soundtrack.  The chorus really expresses my anguish at losing Chris.

“Don’t look don’t look” the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
“Don’t wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling adored
Tousled bird mad girl… ”
But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again

“Oh don’t talk of love” the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
“Don’t talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that’s ever true
There’s nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do… ”
Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream’s the same
Every night I burn
Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end

“Just paint your face” the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
“Oh it doesn’t matter how you hide
Find you if we’re wanting to
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while you must be tired… ”
But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream

Dreaming the crow black dream…

For my loneliness … I have a random song from the 80s and a lovely band named Whitesnake.  I was with Chris for almost 4 years before he died, but before him I really didn’t have any serious relationships that lasted longer than a 5-6 months.  So for the 25 years BC I was single.  After I went to college I never lived at  home again.  I spent a summer working in Belgium, moving there on my own without knowing anyone.  I did a lot on my own.  I was very independent.  I have felt that if I can regain that sense, I will be able to make it ok.  In many ways it already feels like being with Chris was the exception, not the rule in my life and that maybe I was “born to walk alone”.  So this song really captures all of that, in its great hairband glory.  

I don’t know where I’m going
But, I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An’ I’ve made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho’ I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I’m looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
‘Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time

I’m just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on love’s sweet charity
An’ I’m gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
‘Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go…

An’ I’ve made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
‘Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time…

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go,
Here I go again…

When I need to gain strength and serenity…. I go back to college days and the summer I lived in Brussels (mentioned above).  It was an amazing summer. I gained so much and had a great time.  There is so many euro-dance-techno songs from that summer I love, that bring me back and awaken those feelings again (hey I can be happy without Chris).  One in particular is Breathe by Telepopmusik.  The lyrics aren’t particularly complex, but there is something about the beats and the lyrics and the singer’s voice, that after my angry music, brings me back.  Almost like a prayer.

I brought you something close to me,
left for something you see though your here.
You haunt my dreams.
There’s nothing to do but believe.
Just Believe.
Just Breathe.

Another day,
just believe.
Another day,
just breathe.
Another day,
just believe.
Another day,
just breathe.

I’m used to it by now.
Another day,
just believe,
just breathe.
Just believe.
Just breathe.
Lying in my bed.
Another day,
staring at the ceiling.

Just breathe.

Another day.

Another day,
just believe.
Another day.
I’m used to it by now.
I’m used to it by now.
Just breathe.
Just believe.
Just breathe.
Just believe.
Just believe.
Just breathe.
Just believe.
Another day,
just believe.
Another day.
Another day.

What a week

November 7, 2011

I survived another hard week.  It started with Halloween, which I posted on, and then on Wednesday it was Chris’s birthday.  He would have been 32.  How is that possible?  There are so many thoughts I have on that, so many mixed emotions.  Much like your feel about your own age and disbelief at reaching a certain age.  I can’t believe Chris would be old enough to be 32, I meet him when he was 25.  But at the same time it just highlights how long he has been gone.  This is the second birthday I have been through without him. 

In some ways the worst part of it is that it doesn’t feel like his birthday anymore.  It is just another day.  There are no preparations, no gift buying,  no joy in finding something that will bring him joy.  Just dread at another day that is hard and painful. 

Last year I did something to recognize it.  This year I really couldn’t  other than a “happy birthday Chris” text to his parents.  I thought about going to a movie (he liked to go to dinner and a movie on his birthday). But it was too hard and I was out of energy.  I had one big breakdown and then I think my heart was on shut down mode.

But I survived it and the day passed.  Just like everyday.  It comes and goes. 

This weekend I held a fundraiser with some friends for two causes related to Chris’s death (a scholarship fund and the Myocarditis Foundation http://myocarditisfoundation.org/)  It was a good event with high points and low points.  Mostly I had to fight off the anxiety attacks (it’s really more of an anguish attack, than anxiety, but it has a similar physical response) to get through the night.  

But I did.  As much as I hate these kind of events, because it highlights my loss,  I also know that I am committed to supporting these causes, despite how painful it can be. 

So by yesterday I was exhausted.  I haven’t been sleeping well so I couldn’t even enjoy the extra hour.  I came into this week feeling run down and searching for a way to change my current situation so it isn’t so hard.  Not sure how to do that yet.

I saw this article earlier and wanted to share it: http://news.yahoo.com/loneliness-may-cause-fitful-sleep-study-211927698.html.  I absolutely believe it is true.  I sleep, but fitfully, because I feel too vulnerable to sleep well.  My body can’t fully relax.  I don’t think I will ever sleep as well as I did when Chris was alive.  I no longer have the same sense of security. I am sure it is the same for many other widows and widowers.

Happy Halloween Chris

November 1, 2011

Hi Baby,

Halloween isn’t the same without you. We both enjoyed it so much, another of the myriad of things we had in common.  I remember when we were first dating and you told me of the traditions you had with your dad and your brother.  I loved you then.

I decorated the house a bit without you.  I handed out candy too.  I felt very alone though. Very vulnerable.  Kind of like my lonely pumpkin out on the porch by itself.  I realized how clear it is that I am here alone. 

Chris as a creepy zombie in 2008

 

I miss you, even though it is painful to remember.  I miss you and our life, but I am getting use to my new one. 

Blech.