I survived another milestone

October 26, 2011

What should have been our second wedding anniversary was last Monday.  I survived it.  Last year’s anniversary was terrible.  It would have been our first and I never believed it would actually come.  That God, Chris, the universe, whatever would let our anniversary come and go without Chris being there.  I had a nervous breakdown, broke out in hives, and generally just had to focus on getting through the day second by second.

This year was better in some ways.  I didn’t have a nervous breakdown and did all I could really to just treat it like any other day.  I went on a trip that was good and relaxing and not at all related to my life with Chris.  Minus a panic attack when we stopped to help a car that had flipped, it was overall a relaxing weekend. 

In other ways it is worse.  For me it feels like there is nothing positive about our anniversary.  Honestly, I don’t even want to call it that since well we didn’t make it to a full year of marriage.  There is no marriage to celebrate. There is no “we made it another year together and are happy and still in love” sentiments.  There are no years of memories or traditions we created for this day.  All it brings up is our wedding, which is still just a jumble of painful memories.  For me our wedding, in fact anything involving weddings, is part of the trauma of Chris’s death. It causes anxiety and panic, depression, all of the darkest parts of grief.  Sometimes it is easier for me to just forget it or escape it. 

So I went on a trip to the desert.  Where I stayed at a ranch with a few friends.  I did a lot of riding (more on that later).  Went to the spa, knit, read and tried to focus on the time I was having at the moment.  The past is over, our anniversary is now just another day, and I can’t live in it if I am going to survive. The past is too painful and there is nothing I can do to bring it back or make it less painful. 

Once again, I find myself (the widow’s creed) saying “I survived” to another shitty day.

 

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3 Responses to “I survived another milestone”

  1. K Says:

    Been thinking about you and wondering how you are. I’ve never posted here before but wanted you to know I am thinking about you and following along. I’m sorry you are experiencing so much pain; it is terribly unfair. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  2. mml Says:

    I hope you don’t mind me reading your blog. I just stumbled upon it in my desperate attempt to find people who understand being widowed at such a young age (I was widowed 7 months ago in my 20s).

    But anyway I just wanted to send you some virtual hugs. This is a really painful journey.

  3. widowedowl Says:

    mml: I am so sorry for your loss. Being so young (I was 28) when you lose your husband is terrible and rare, so it is hard to find other people in similar situations. I have that problem a lot. I have wonderful friends and family, but they don’t understand. I hope my blog (such as it is) helps. Please feel free to comment or just read whenever. Take care of yourself


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