The Seasons

September 26, 2011

The change of the seasons has always been something I have looked forward to and one of the reasons I loved living on the East Coast.  We had four full season, with distinct weather and foliage changes.  

Fall of course was a favorite.  The beautiful leaves, the crisp air, Halloween.  It is one of the reasons we decided to get married in October.  Now it just makes me sad.  But all of the seasons make me sad.  There are so many painful memories attached to them.  I had been hoping one of them might be easier than the others.  I think I was wrong.

Winter – our last full season together, where we got snowed in together for a week.  We had so much fun and it represents the happiest time of my life. Last winter was hard to get through, it was very lonely.

Spring – brings back Chris’s death.  He died in April, right as spring was in full bloom.  Easter was our last holiday together.

Summer – I thought would be the easiest, but this summer was so hard. My birthday is in the summer and it went downhill from there.  The long days searching for activities to fill it.  The nights not spent grilling, walking the neighborhood, and going to the pool with Chris were brutal.  Plus we had hoped to start a family by this summer. 

Fall – so I had been looking forward to fall as a  change and maybe a regaining of energy.  It hasn’t materialized yet.  But the sadness is here. The dread of having to go through our second wedding anniversary alone (I guess that is all I know since we never got an anniversary together) and the holidays and Chris’s birthday. 

I just feel like I can never get a break.  Is there a time of year or a type of weather that won’t be painful or sad?  I think maybe once I get to a point where memories of Chris aren’t painful and I am more at peace with being widowed rather than married with kids  I will get a break.  But when will that be? It has been almost a year and a half and the memories are as painful as ever.

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One Response to “The Seasons”

  1. Mandy Says:

    I know, M. I wish, wish it could be different. Every season has such special memories attached– it is hard to think there won’t always be some wistfulness. And that’s probably forever. I hope that someday, someday soon, some of the sweetness of those memories will set in alongside the sorrow. It will never totally replace it–the sorrow will always live with you (how could it not?)– but hopefully, the sorrow will have some company.


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