I think I need this blog again

September 21, 2011

So I went on hiatus.  Many people do for various reasons.  I felt back in the late spring that I needed a break; that writing on this blog was too painful for me. 

Now, 4-5 months later, I think not writing on this blog is painful for me.  I am not sure what changed or when it changed.

So hello again.

I have had a terrible week.  One of the worst in a while and I feel fairly alone.  Mostly in the sense of being able to express where I am and how I am doing.  Part of it is my fault.  I am not good with spoken words.  I really can’t get out what I am feeling. I have always been better on “paper”.  Where I can think and switch and replace until I feel like what I want I have down is what I mean.  No one tries to add to it and I don’t alter it for the audience.  It is purely me.

It has also been made clear to me recently, that many can no longer deal with my pain.  It is very disheartening because I try very hard to keep the worst of it to myself and God.  I don’t complain and whine and cry for hours. I generally try to focus my time with people on that time, what we are doing.  I felt so demoralized to hear that my efforts have been wasted.  Why do I bother?  It makes me want to retreat more.  To simplify and minimize my life to a nice little controllable box.

I have spent so much energy trying to keep engaged in life, even if it is different. I volunteer, I have a few new hobbies, I plan things to do on a somewhat frequent basis.  I go to work. I support myself.  I am still alive.  I think I have done fairly well considering the trauma and shock and grief of Chris’s death.

I just feel very sick about it and the most helpless and ready to give up I have felt in a year. 

How do I pick myself back up again?  Well I thought writing about it might help.  Since speaking is so hard.

I know another problem I have that makes it hard for me to share, is that I am an independent person.  Chris is the exception to this.  Outside of him, I have never really wanted any inputs in my decisions, any opinions on how I look or feel.  As time has gone on, with something as personal and deep as my grief for Chris and our family that will never exist,  I have stopped talking about it with those I am close to who have a stake in my life (family and friends).  I just can’t handle their input, at any level.  What do they know of being widowed at 28, only 6 months married? 

I have always been a grin and bear it kind of person (when I did one of those silly online quizzes, my guiding philosophies were Stoicism, Utilitarianism, and Realism).  So my internalizing of my grief from my family and friends feels comfortable to me, like an old wound that is flaring up (not that the wound from Chris’s death is old).  It is easier to share with people outside these circles.  I share with my support group and I share with my therapist, I share with God, and now with this blog again.  For me, this is the most comfortable, the most bearable, the most palatable. 

You do not have a stake in how I am other than a general support and well wishing.  You do not care about my moods or my approaches or my habits.

I am struggling and I am trying to find methods to deal with it that suits my personality so I can survive.  For me it is more in the written word not the spoken.

Thank you for reading, those of you who do.


6 Responses to “I think I need this blog again”

  1. Lynda M O Says:

    you are welcome.

  2. Best wishes to you on your journey. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  3. Beret Says:

    Welcome back, I hope things get easier for you even if it’s just a little bit. 🙂

  4. megan Says:

    “trying to find methods to deal with it that suits my personality so I can survive” – amen. Being another independent, not wanting others’ input kind of person – I hear you.

  5. Lisa Says:

    Welcome back.

    Those who love you, want so badly for everything to be all right for you (which can also be expressed as they “can’t deal with your pain” anymore). This attitude is not what you need from them, of course, and certainly not helpful. You are right – those who themselves have not been in your circumstances have no idea what you are going through. Don’t expect them to understand. So sorry to say.

    I wish you well.

  6. Mandy Says:

    Oh, M. I am so sorry that you are not getting the support that you need from the people in your life. How awful. I’ve said before how much I feel for you that the one person you really need as you process your grief is the very person you are grieving. It is so very wrong. I hope that writing here brings you some semblance of comfort. You ARE doing amazingly well given what has happened to you. I am so sorry that people in your life aren’t telling you that every day. I am always thinking of you and glad to see you here again.

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