Finding or holding on to passion

May 24, 2011

How does one hold on to or find passion again after losing the love of your life?  I don’t have the answers to that, but I do think it is a key part to being able to live again. 

I was struck by the article (http://sports.yahoo.com/tennis/blog/busted_racquet/post/Frenchwoman-Razzano-competes-eight-days-after-de?urn=ten-wp872) of the French tennis player who recently lost her fiance.  8 days after his death, she played in the French Open.  What was I doing 8 days after Chris died?  Sobbing my eyes out, wandering around my parent’s house.  (Not that there is anything wrong with that either).  I just admired her gumption to do something so painful and hard for her.  Her statement too struck me, not just because I understood her feelings of loneliness and fragility, but that she could see a way to gain strength for life through her passion for tennis. 

Do I have a passion for anything?  My main passion use to be for Chris and our life together.  So now what do I have?  I have family and friends who are loving and supportive.  I have developed new hobbies (knitting, horseback riding, volunteering, gardening) I am rediscovering old ones (sailing, hiking, reading).  I can see a possibility for them to become a passion someday, so I do them, even if I don’t feel like it. I find knitting, riding, hiking, sailing buddies to do them with, even if I want to go home and get in bed.  And I do think forcing myself to do these things has helped, even if it is only for a few hours. 

I guess for me it is the promise of developing or rekindling a passion for something that gives me some momentum.  I think it is a bit like physical therapy after an injury. It can be painful, but you have to keep doing it to heal and regain strength and the use of your body.

So I will keep trying and maybe some spark, like my old spark, will come back.

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One Response to “Finding or holding on to passion”

  1. Lisa Says:

    Your husband would want you to live your life, to enjoy it enough for both of you. The tennis player’s fiance had the time to tell her that (cancer), and I guess that is where she drew the strength to compartmentalize her grief and play. Unlike your and my loss that was sudden and unexpected. Try to remind yourself that if your husband knew what was coming, he, too, would’ve told you to go on and live enough for both of you.


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