How does one hold on to or find passion again after losing the love of your life?  I don’t have the answers to that, but I do think it is a key part to being able to live again. 

I was struck by the article ( of the French tennis player who recently lost her fiance.  8 days after his death, she played in the French Open.  What was I doing 8 days after Chris died?  Sobbing my eyes out, wandering around my parent’s house.  (Not that there is anything wrong with that either).  I just admired her gumption to do something so painful and hard for her.  Her statement too struck me, not just because I understood her feelings of loneliness and fragility, but that she could see a way to gain strength for life through her passion for tennis. 

Do I have a passion for anything?  My main passion use to be for Chris and our life together.  So now what do I have?  I have family and friends who are loving and supportive.  I have developed new hobbies (knitting, horseback riding, volunteering, gardening) I am rediscovering old ones (sailing, hiking, reading).  I can see a possibility for them to become a passion someday, so I do them, even if I don’t feel like it. I find knitting, riding, hiking, sailing buddies to do them with, even if I want to go home and get in bed.  And I do think forcing myself to do these things has helped, even if it is only for a few hours. 

I guess for me it is the promise of developing or rekindling a passion for something that gives me some momentum.  I think it is a bit like physical therapy after an injury. It can be painful, but you have to keep doing it to heal and regain strength and the use of your body.

So I will keep trying and maybe some spark, like my old spark, will come back.

The night before the anniversary of Chris’s death, I got sick.  The last year of stress and pain finally took its toll.  It wasn’t anything serious, but it sapped me of energy while I was fighting the pain of the anniversary.

I am just now dragging myself out of the fog.

I had been bracing myself to get sick since Chris died. I read all sorts of books and pamphlets that say your immune system is very compromised during grief . 

Being sick without Chris was hard.  He always took care of me when I was sick, and not having him to pamper me, made me feel so lonely and hopeless.  How will I go through a lifetime of sickness without him?  How will I go through aging and potential fatal illness some day without him?  I will have to be a burden on someone else, impose on their good will.

I know these are silly things to think of, but I do think of them.

I am feeling mostly better, but could probably still use a few days of uninterrupted rest so I can kick the cough and get my voice back (I lost my voice over two weeks ago and it still isn’t fully back)

Anyway, I have been thinking about all the other widows and widowers out there the last few weeks and wishing everyone some peace and a way to ease their loneliness.