It has been a while …

April 26, 2011

I have been MIA, I know.  The last month has been interesting.  It has been hard and grueling, spending more time alone and less time sleeping.  I am running low on energy.  Posting seemed like too much effort.  Plus what did I have to say that hadn’t been said?  The ups and downs are still going up and down.  But there have been some shifts.

The beginning of April was a low point.  I couldn’t believe so much time had passed.  The weather took me back to last spring when he died, when he was dying.  It made me sick. 

Then the numbness came back.  Thank God; it was welcome.

Then the anger.  By God I was so angry at Chris I could barely breathe.  I was tired of the pain, of my life being ruined and over, of having to clean up his mess and putting his affairs in order.  Even now, a year later, I still have stuff to tie up.  I was so angry I could have beat him.  He has disappointed me more than any other man in my life. It was unintentional and he wouldn’t have chosen it, but it happened.  Sometime I wonder if I wouldn’t have been better off without him.  I had him for such a short time and the pain of being without him is so great, that I am not sure it was worth it.  (sacrilege, I know).    I don’t think I want to ever get married again. I have no desire to be put through this again.  To entangle my life, just to detangle it again.  No thanks.

The anger has passed (for now), the numbness has passed (for now) and I am left in an odd place.  I don’t know how to describe it other than resignation mixed with sadness and the need to be free from pain.  I have come around to know (most days) that my marriage is over, that I can no longer expect Chris to fill the role of loving husband or expect myself to play the role of wife.  My love for him lasts,  but our relationship as it manifests on Earth is over. That I am on my own.  Only I can clean up my mess.  Only I can choose to grab grief by the balls and keep walking.  Only I can focus on the present and what I have.  Only I will feel the pain and loss of Chris as a husband and soul mate. Only I can walk this path.  

Where does this leave me, facing the anniversary of Chris’s death?  It leaves me feeling stronger and more independent.  Tired of being a widow, having to sever my ties to Chris as my husband.  Lonely, but determined to use it for good.  Closer to God than I have ever been in my life.  Living with a completely altered world view.  More tired and world-weary than I could have imagined.  Confused, numb, sad, lost, but tinged with a sense of wanting to survive to live.  To cut myself free from a painful past, to enjoy the present, and not worry too much about a future which stretches on frighteningly. 

I don’t know it sounds like a lot of drivel to me when I read it.  I still don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I guess I have stopped trying to know and it is starting to set me free.