I hate spring and I hate April

March 22, 2011

As the days continue and I get closer to the anniversary of Chris’s death, I can feel my anxiety going through the roof. It is a little over a month away and I am not sure I can handle it.  I don’t want it to come.

Everything about spring.  The weather, the birds chirping, the smell, the sunshine, reminds of the time Chris died and it makes me feel sick.   I find I have to do my breathing exercises more often.  I find the days and hours harder to get through.  I find my nights are more fitful.  

I am reliving the day he died and the days afterwards more and more.  They are harder now, as I know what it all means.  At the time I was in too much shock to understand. But now I do.  I know what all of the moments of the day mean, and now the pain is at its worst. 

Everytime the phone rings, my heart races taking me back to when I got the phone call from the hospital, waiting for something else awful to happen.

I don’t think I will make it through the next month.  The dread and pain are so great. It often feels like too much.  How much pain can one person suffer?

How will I spend that day?  How could I find a way to possibly spend that day.  I want to do something that marks the day that stands up says this day sucks, but we love Chris.  I kind of want to do a memorial service, something religious and that would give me the chance to eulogize Chris, which I haven’t been able to since then.  But I don’t feel like I have any energy or sanity really to plan anything.

Those of you who have survived the first year anniversary, do you have any advice?


2 Responses to “I hate spring and I hate April”

  1. megan Says:

    the lead up and replay SUCKS. And, realizing what you actually had to do, in those days and weeks after, the decisions, all of it – just as you said, with actual clarity now, seeing it again, not just doing it. The best thing someone told me as I approached the year date was that you have the right to change your mind at any moment. If you decide to do a memorial, and decide, on the way in the door, that you can’t do this now, you can Leave. This is your day. Your time. Yes, other people lost him too. But they are not you, and they didn’t lose what you have in such excruciating detail. Whatever you do that is true and right for you is true and right for Chris.

    I don’t remember, right now, what I did on the actual day last year. There was so much going on with planning something with matt’s mother in the weeks after, and reliving all the countdowns, and offers to be with me if I needed – I honestly do not remember where I was or what I did. I probably went to Mass. And the woods, and was alone with our dog. Like most other days, I probably screamed a lot, and sobbed.

    It is a day, and you will most likely have to live after that day. And the triggers and weather and birds and all of it will keep right on going, and all you can do is breathe, and care for yourself with as much tenderness and kindness as you can, whatever that means to you moment by moment by moment. You may find goodness in the day, or in the week, or in the season, and you may not.

    Not much of a pep talk, maybe. I don’t know that there is any real Uplifting anything. Be true to yourself, know you can change your mind at any second about anything at all, and breathe the best you can.

  2. Lisa Says:

    For me, the dread or anticipation of the anniversary was worse than the actual day itself. Oddly, the day itself proved to be just another day, same as the one before, same as the one next. Does it change anything if it’s been exactly one year, or 363 days or 394 days? It did not matter for me. The lead-up was the torture. Do whatever feels right to you at the moment and whatever you feel or think is just fine (no second-guessing yourself).
    (me: 21 years widowed, with a second husband and two kids now).

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