March 16, 2011

How I should be spending my nights

I have had very few dreams about Chris since he died as I said in my last post.  I can count the number or dreams I had of him on two hands.  I don’t know if it is an extension of my issues with remembering him in general, my feelings of rejection and abandonment, or my strange sleeping patterns.  I have had 3 “good” ones but mostly bad ones. Every night I ask him to come to me and tell me he loves me and misses me, but nothing yet. 

There are two main theme of the “bad ones”.  1.) Chris survived his death/was brought back but he is still sick and still needs to go to the doctor, but he won’t or he dies again before  he can.  These dreams are anguish filled.  I beg him and try to save him and I am not successful.  I have to watch him die over and over again.  I always wake up more exhausted than before.  2.) Chris is mad at me, doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to marry me/stay married to me.  These are also hard, he ignores me and I just know he wants to not get married/get divorced.  It breaks my heart and makes me feel even more alone and abandoned.

I have had a few good ones.  The first one was not long after Chris died, I was laying in our bed sleeping and he came and sat next to me.  He just came and sat with me.  The second, was about my knitting.  My mom taught me to knit this summer as a way to help with my grief (which it has), but I kept thinking about what Chris would have thought about my knitting.  In the dream, he showed up, shoved a gray sweater in my hands and said he loved my knitting and that was it.  It was almost as if he was annoyed that I needed the reassurance.  The last one, we were in the backseat of his truck and we were making out.  Oh boy, it was wonderful to be kissing him again and feel close to  him.  But I could tell he was, again kind of annoyed that I wanted to make out, he did it to try to make me happy, but he wanted to be doing other things. 

I know everyone has different thoughts and beliefs on what happens after we die and my views now are so different from what they were before Chris died.  I definitely believe in life after death.  I believe our loved ones are involved in our lives.  I believe they can communicate with us and help guide us.  I do think they can come to us in dreams.  I think Chris has visited some of our friends and family and he has come to visit me in those three good dreams.

I think the bad dreams are my subconscious, trying to make sense of what has happened.  I think my brain and heart are trying to relive Chris’s death so it can try to change the outcome, since I didn’t get a chance. 

Why I have only dreamed about Chris no more than 10 times in the 322 nights I have spent without him, I have no idea.  How have I survived 322 nights without him?  That might be the bigger question.


One Response to “Dreams”

  1. Andrea Row Says:

    I can relate SO much to those dreams, and the infrequency of them… The good ones are even more rare… I can relate to everything you wrote in this post.
    Since losing my husband a little over two years ago, I’ve become involved with the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation (www.sslf.org) – not sure if you’ve heard of them, but they offer peer-based grief support with a special emphasis on those who’ve been widowed. I’ve gotten so much comfort from knowing others on this path. I’d like to ask your permission to add your blog to Soaring Spirits blog roll where you can reach many others on this journey. When you get a chance, please email me at andrear@sslf.org to let me know. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

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