Relationships of Choice

March 13, 2011

I dreamt about Chris last night. I don’t dream about him often.  I think I have dreamed about him 10 time since he has died. 

Chris was alive in my dream. They had managed to save him/bring him back.  I was standing next to him behind a car, we were getting something from the trunk and I asked him to promise me to go to the doctor.  It seemed like in the dream he had survived for a couple of months and he hadn’t gone back to the doctor to get checked out. 

He was resistant, very resistant to going to the doctor (way more so than he ever was in real life).  I had to beg and plead to try to convince him that he needed to go to the doctor, that I needed him to live so he needed to be well.  He got angry at me.  He didn’t want to talk about it or deal with it.  I had to get his doctor to surprise us in the parking lot for him to listen.  That is all I remember.  No comforting affection or words of love.

This theme of Chris being saved and me trying to convince him that he is still sick is what most of my Chris dreams have been about.  I guess it is my subconscious trying to fulfill its need to tell Chris he was sick, since I didn’t get to while he was alive.  Assuage my guilt for being his wife and not knowing he was dying and trying to save him.  I have all of the words or warning and love and support and concern that I never got to express, so now I have to through dreams.

He never wants to hear it.  He doesn’t care, he gets angry at me.  He doesn’t want to be around me in these dreams. It’s like he doesn’t care if he dies again.  Actually I have had a few dreams where he does in fact die over and over again. 

I don’t get the feeling he loves me, misses me, or wants to be with me.  So where does that leave us? A marriage is a relationship of choice.  Our relationship lasted for 4 years because we chose each other every day to be the most important person in each others lives.  So now what?  We can’t choose each other anymore.  Does he still love me?  Am I still important to him?  Does our relationship still exist?  Or is it just one-sided on my part? 

If I were his sister or his mother or his daughter, or even the mother of his children, I am not sure I would feel this way.  Our relationship would be permanent, not based on choice.  I would always be his sister/mother/daughter or our kids would always be his kids. 

Partly because my dreams are generally so negative and Chris seems angry at me and he doesn’t want to be around me, I am not as confident of his love.  I don’t feel like I am the most important person in his life (existence?) and it hurts.  On top of missing him, feeling like he has moved on and abandoned me makes it worse.

I hate these dreams, the feelings of my despair, desperation, love  and his of annoyance, anger, and emotional withdrawal linger. 

Where does all of this leave me?  Sitting by myself on a Sunday morning, writing this post.


3 Responses to “Relationships of Choice”

  1. megan Says:

    the one closest to him, and the one not by blood. But – that he CHOSE you to be the closest one to him (as my love chose me) I just have to believe and know means – more, somehow. It is completely f-ed up that my step-son, father-in-law, all his relatives will never have another father, son, brother, whatever. That “role” will and can never be filled by anyone else. As the one closest to him, I am the only one who logistically could (gag) have someone else in his “role.”

    I ask that myself too sometimes – do you still choose me, my love? And if you do, what the heck does THAT look like?

    I hear you. Bizarro world we live in. Not fun at all. Sunday morning – exactly 20 months for me right now, as I type.

  2. widowedowl Says:

    It is bizarro. Everything that seemed absolute is now in question. It makes me feel very adrift.

    20 months and you are still standing (typing).

    • megan Says:

      yeah – nothing is solid anymore, so what, exactly, is there to hold on to.

      Still typing/standing, yes. Against my will most times, but still…

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