I still don’t believe it

March 10, 2011

It has been over 10 months since Chris died.  While I live with the pain and loneliness everyday, I still don’t believe that he is never coming home.  I sit in his chair and watch tv, waiting for him to walk through the door and tell me to get out of his chair.  I think about things I can’t wait to tell him.  I get into bed and I think of how much nicer it will be once he gets home.  I hug his clothes in the closet and I don’t believe that he will never wear them again. 

How can it be? How long does it take for it to sink in that he is never coming home and I am without him for the rest of my life?

I feel like I am in this painful part purgatory no past, no future, just the very confusing and disorienting present.  I thought it was supposed to get better, but it is getting harder.  I remember this time last year and it isn’t happy for me yet, I just think about how I had no idea he was dying.  I think about how he only had a little under two months to live.  I think about how I didn’t do anything, couldn’t do anything.  I think about how long it has been since I was in his arms and we were laughing and in love.  I think about how I will never have that again. 

How has almost a year gone by?  I am stuck in April of last year.  My brain really doesn’t know what is going on.


One Response to “I still don’t believe it”

  1. megan Says:

    I am at almost 20 months (good god), and I still think “oh I should get that for Matt,” or think how I can’t wait to tell him something, or even thinking “oh, I could work tuesday nights, he’s usually at a meeting then anyway.” As you said, even though I am fully aware of reality, every second of every day, there is still a part of me, maybe a large part, that doesn’t believe it, or maybe hasn’t heard. Seriously – random sudden death? It is too illogical. I completely understand me not believing it.

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