Bloggers Block

March 7, 2011

I have seriously started and stopped several posts over the last week.  I want to write something, but nothing feels right.  What can I say that has not been said?   What can I say that doesn’t sound like self-centered pity party? Plus, I don’t feel anyone emotion for more than a few minutes anyway. 

I do not like feeling this way.  How can I jolt myself out of it? Sitting at a computer doesn’t help. 

Now I am thinking of just deleting this post too.

Blech. 

That is the word we would always use to describe how we felt when we were sick, discontent or plagued by ennui. 

What would I do if Chris were alive?  To jolt myself out of a funk, I would plan something fun for us to do together.  I would plan something for the house. I would research some topic related to our life.  I lived for our future and the times we would spend together.

Now that I don’t have that, now what do I do?  Planning for myself hasn’t seemed to work. I try to think of things for the basement renovation, but that doesn’t seem to work and has put me in a bigger funk than before.

I just miss him so much. Those words don’t describe the aching.  I just want to talk to him to have him sitting next to me to be playing xbox in another room.

Ugh.  I am not sure how much more I can take.

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2 Responses to “Bloggers Block”

  1. Mandy Says:

    Oh, M– These feelings are so very familiar to me. Especially the sense of having nothing new to say– sometimes, what else can you say except how much you miss him, how much you want your old life back, how much this life seems to just pretty much suck, how on many (or even most) days you have no idea how to keep going on without him, and how on some days, you’re not even sure you want to, for what is life without him? Oh, I know these feelings so well. All I can offer is that we just have to keep living through those hardest of days, those hardest of moments, and have faith that somewhere on the other side of that day, maybe even just on the other side of the next breath, something will feel just the tiniest bit easier. I know how hard this is. And I know how hard it is to even acknowledge that things might get easier– in some ways, I don’t want them to, because that feels a bit like a betrayal of my little girl. The pain is what connects me to her most right now. But I just have to have faith that although the pain will never go away, as time goes on, hopefully it will be accompanied by more and more sweetness from the memories. I’m not even close to there yet. Not. Even. Close. But I believe those days are out there somewhere. And that’s the only way I can keep going through it. That, and the fact that I feel like I owe it to her to live a grand, full life because she didn’t get to. Thinking of you often, M.

    P.S. Now that I know you are a knitter, we should get together for a stitch and bitch one of these days…

  2. widowedowl Says:

    In the end that is what it all comes down to, I miss him. The anger, guilt, pain, dispair, etc. are all because I want to be with him. If he were alive, I would not have any problems.

    Yes we do need to have a knitting session, although I am still very much a newby. I’ll email you.


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