Basement update

March 24, 2011

WARNING:  This is not an uplifting as a post despite my hopes I could write one. 

The basement renovation is coming along.  The sheet rock is up.  It looks completely different down there.  It makes me sad.

It makes me so sad that Chris will never get to enjoy it.  That our children will never get to play down there.  That most nights, it will be me sitting down there alone.  It seems like such a waste. 

Some friends have seen it and are really excited. But it is the” trying too hard to be positive” excited.  Like they think having the renovation done will somehow fix me.  I know they are tired of seeing me in pain and they want the old me back, but it annoys me because their lives have gone on and mine is over.

I am anxious about when it will be done, because then what.  What will I do then?  Move around furniture and redecorate?  I guess so, but I can’t muster up any energy to care. 

I have to pick things out and I spend more money than I should because some part of me things it will make me feel better, or maybe it’s that it doesn’t care, or that I just want to do something, and picking the more expensive option of tile is something.  I was never much of a spender so it is very odd for me.

Our rehearsal dinner. I cared then. I cared a lot.

 
 
 
 
 
 Sigh, I really do feel like I am backsliding.  I feel so hopeless, anxious, afraid, alone, depressed … blah blah blah.  You all know the drill.  And everyone wants me to be better, and I don’t care.
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As the days continue and I get closer to the anniversary of Chris’s death, I can feel my anxiety going through the roof. It is a little over a month away and I am not sure I can handle it.  I don’t want it to come.

Everything about spring.  The weather, the birds chirping, the smell, the sunshine, reminds of the time Chris died and it makes me feel sick.   I find I have to do my breathing exercises more often.  I find the days and hours harder to get through.  I find my nights are more fitful.  

I am reliving the day he died and the days afterwards more and more.  They are harder now, as I know what it all means.  At the time I was in too much shock to understand. But now I do.  I know what all of the moments of the day mean, and now the pain is at its worst. 

Everytime the phone rings, my heart races taking me back to when I got the phone call from the hospital, waiting for something else awful to happen.

I don’t think I will make it through the next month.  The dread and pain are so great. It often feels like too much.  How much pain can one person suffer?

How will I spend that day?  How could I find a way to possibly spend that day.  I want to do something that marks the day that stands up says this day sucks, but we love Chris.  I kind of want to do a memorial service, something religious and that would give me the chance to eulogize Chris, which I haven’t been able to since then.  But I don’t feel like I have any energy or sanity really to plan anything.

Those of you who have survived the first year anniversary, do you have any advice?

My sexy husband coaching basketball

Hi Baby,

I miss you so much.  March Madness has started and it is painful without you.  I am lonely.  I have hung out with friends, but I am lonely for you.

This was always something we looked forward to. I remember our first tournament together, when we were just friends.  We were watching

games in a bar and you could cut the sexual tension with  knife.  I wanted to be with you so badly. I loved you then.  You were handsome and smart, caring, selfless. 

I wish I could go back to that time.  I would give anything to have our relationship ahead of us instead of behind us. I wish I had pictures from that time, but I don’t.   I would relive our 5 years together over and over again until it was time for me to die too.

I love you so much baby.  You made me so happy. I knew  you did, but now that I have lost it, I can feel it so greatly.

I miss your enthusiasm for the games, filling out brackets, talking about the games, and making fun of me for yelling at refs.  Who is going to do that now?  And then take me to bed and hold me afterwards. 

I miss my best friend.  My partner in crime.

I love you. I love you. I love you.  A thousand times I love you.

When will be reunited so this wound can be healed?  Not soon enough.

Your wife,

M

Dreams

March 16, 2011

How I should be spending my nights

I have had very few dreams about Chris since he died as I said in my last post.  I can count the number or dreams I had of him on two hands.  I don’t know if it is an extension of my issues with remembering him in general, my feelings of rejection and abandonment, or my strange sleeping patterns.  I have had 3 “good” ones but mostly bad ones. Every night I ask him to come to me and tell me he loves me and misses me, but nothing yet. 

There are two main theme of the “bad ones”.  1.) Chris survived his death/was brought back but he is still sick and still needs to go to the doctor, but he won’t or he dies again before  he can.  These dreams are anguish filled.  I beg him and try to save him and I am not successful.  I have to watch him die over and over again.  I always wake up more exhausted than before.  2.) Chris is mad at me, doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to marry me/stay married to me.  These are also hard, he ignores me and I just know he wants to not get married/get divorced.  It breaks my heart and makes me feel even more alone and abandoned.

I have had a few good ones.  The first one was not long after Chris died, I was laying in our bed sleeping and he came and sat next to me.  He just came and sat with me.  The second, was about my knitting.  My mom taught me to knit this summer as a way to help with my grief (which it has), but I kept thinking about what Chris would have thought about my knitting.  In the dream, he showed up, shoved a gray sweater in my hands and said he loved my knitting and that was it.  It was almost as if he was annoyed that I needed the reassurance.  The last one, we were in the backseat of his truck and we were making out.  Oh boy, it was wonderful to be kissing him again and feel close to  him.  But I could tell he was, again kind of annoyed that I wanted to make out, he did it to try to make me happy, but he wanted to be doing other things. 

I know everyone has different thoughts and beliefs on what happens after we die and my views now are so different from what they were before Chris died.  I definitely believe in life after death.  I believe our loved ones are involved in our lives.  I believe they can communicate with us and help guide us.  I do think they can come to us in dreams.  I think Chris has visited some of our friends and family and he has come to visit me in those three good dreams.

I think the bad dreams are my subconscious, trying to make sense of what has happened.  I think my brain and heart are trying to relive Chris’s death so it can try to change the outcome, since I didn’t get a chance. 

Why I have only dreamed about Chris no more than 10 times in the 322 nights I have spent without him, I have no idea.  How have I survived 322 nights without him?  That might be the bigger question.

Relationships of Choice

March 13, 2011

I dreamt about Chris last night. I don’t dream about him often.  I think I have dreamed about him 10 time since he has died. 

Chris was alive in my dream. They had managed to save him/bring him back.  I was standing next to him behind a car, we were getting something from the trunk and I asked him to promise me to go to the doctor.  It seemed like in the dream he had survived for a couple of months and he hadn’t gone back to the doctor to get checked out. 

He was resistant, very resistant to going to the doctor (way more so than he ever was in real life).  I had to beg and plead to try to convince him that he needed to go to the doctor, that I needed him to live so he needed to be well.  He got angry at me.  He didn’t want to talk about it or deal with it.  I had to get his doctor to surprise us in the parking lot for him to listen.  That is all I remember.  No comforting affection or words of love.

This theme of Chris being saved and me trying to convince him that he is still sick is what most of my Chris dreams have been about.  I guess it is my subconscious trying to fulfill its need to tell Chris he was sick, since I didn’t get to while he was alive.  Assuage my guilt for being his wife and not knowing he was dying and trying to save him.  I have all of the words or warning and love and support and concern that I never got to express, so now I have to through dreams.

He never wants to hear it.  He doesn’t care, he gets angry at me.  He doesn’t want to be around me in these dreams. It’s like he doesn’t care if he dies again.  Actually I have had a few dreams where he does in fact die over and over again. 

I don’t get the feeling he loves me, misses me, or wants to be with me.  So where does that leave us? A marriage is a relationship of choice.  Our relationship lasted for 4 years because we chose each other every day to be the most important person in each others lives.  So now what?  We can’t choose each other anymore.  Does he still love me?  Am I still important to him?  Does our relationship still exist?  Or is it just one-sided on my part? 

If I were his sister or his mother or his daughter, or even the mother of his children, I am not sure I would feel this way.  Our relationship would be permanent, not based on choice.  I would always be his sister/mother/daughter or our kids would always be his kids. 

Partly because my dreams are generally so negative and Chris seems angry at me and he doesn’t want to be around me, I am not as confident of his love.  I don’t feel like I am the most important person in his life (existence?) and it hurts.  On top of missing him, feeling like he has moved on and abandoned me makes it worse.

I hate these dreams, the feelings of my despair, desperation, love  and his of annoyance, anger, and emotional withdrawal linger. 

Where does all of this leave me?  Sitting by myself on a Sunday morning, writing this post.

It has been over 10 months since Chris died.  While I live with the pain and loneliness everyday, I still don’t believe that he is never coming home.  I sit in his chair and watch tv, waiting for him to walk through the door and tell me to get out of his chair.  I think about things I can’t wait to tell him.  I get into bed and I think of how much nicer it will be once he gets home.  I hug his clothes in the closet and I don’t believe that he will never wear them again. 

How can it be? How long does it take for it to sink in that he is never coming home and I am without him for the rest of my life?

I feel like I am in this painful part purgatory no past, no future, just the very confusing and disorienting present.  I thought it was supposed to get better, but it is getting harder.  I remember this time last year and it isn’t happy for me yet, I just think about how I had no idea he was dying.  I think about how he only had a little under two months to live.  I think about how I didn’t do anything, couldn’t do anything.  I think about how long it has been since I was in his arms and we were laughing and in love.  I think about how I will never have that again. 

How has almost a year gone by?  I am stuck in April of last year.  My brain really doesn’t know what is going on.

Bloggers Block

March 7, 2011

I have seriously started and stopped several posts over the last week.  I want to write something, but nothing feels right.  What can I say that has not been said?   What can I say that doesn’t sound like self-centered pity party? Plus, I don’t feel anyone emotion for more than a few minutes anyway. 

I do not like feeling this way.  How can I jolt myself out of it? Sitting at a computer doesn’t help. 

Now I am thinking of just deleting this post too.

Blech. 

That is the word we would always use to describe how we felt when we were sick, discontent or plagued by ennui. 

What would I do if Chris were alive?  To jolt myself out of a funk, I would plan something fun for us to do together.  I would plan something for the house. I would research some topic related to our life.  I lived for our future and the times we would spend together.

Now that I don’t have that, now what do I do?  Planning for myself hasn’t seemed to work. I try to think of things for the basement renovation, but that doesn’t seem to work and has put me in a bigger funk than before.

I just miss him so much. Those words don’t describe the aching.  I just want to talk to him to have him sitting next to me to be playing xbox in another room.

Ugh.  I am not sure how much more I can take.