I am back

February 22, 2011

It has been a while since I posted since I went on a trip to visit a friend of mine in Argentina.  It was a good trip.  Chris and I had decided to go once we knew our friend would be moving there so I decided to go anyway. I went with some friends and generally was able to enjoy myself.

I had some hard days, I missed Chris desperately, thought constantly about him and how he would have loved the trip, missed being part of a couple.  But I was able to laugh, really laugh for the first time since he died.  I ate delicious food and enjoyed amazing scenery (picture seeing the Andes from a hot tub on the roof of a hotel).  I was able to basically ignore Valentine’s Day (whew) and get a bit of an escape from “being Chris’s widow”. I was just myself again for a while and I think overall it was good, it was healing.

I was in such a bad place before I left, that it  came at a good time I think. 

But coming home was hard.  It always is.  The little part of my brain that pretends that Chris will be waiting for me gets sucker punched as soon as I walk into the door.  I desperately miss being in his arms.

So now, I don’t know where I am.  Well I know where I am but my heart is all over the place.  One minute it  is numb, one minute it is trying hard to find something to be happy about, then it is angry, then it is stuck in a flashback of that morning in the hospital.  It is all over the place and it was exhausting. 

It makes me want to run away to go somewhere and pretend my life isn’t complete shit.  Sadly I don’t have enough vacation time to run away. So I guess I have to get back into finding a way to live with what I have.

The rollercoaster continues.   

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One Response to “I am back”

  1. Lisa Says:

    Be good to yourself.


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