Decisions

February 9, 2011

I finally decided to renovate the basement.  We started the renovations last year and had hoped to have it finished by the end of the summer.

Chris measuring our basement

Clearly that didn’t happen.  Once Chris died I cancelled the schedule we had planned (an electrician was going to start working the week after he died).  I ignored it for a long time, not willing to move on without Chris.  It was our project we were going to do together.

But about a month ago, when I was feeling relieved and energized after making it through the holidays, I decided I wanted to try to stay in our house.

This is a big question for many widow/ers.  To stay or not to stay?  I had many opinions offered, mostly of the “move back to where the other 20-somethings live”.  It was hard for many to understand, but I did not want to just move back to where I lived for 5 years before Chris and I moved in together and got engaged.  I didn’t want to pay rent after having owned a house, and I didn’t want to go back to apartment living.

The idea of just going back, as if Chris had never happened, as if I had never been married and was just another single 29-year-old, wasn’t appealing.  In general I don’t feel comfortable around other 20 somethings (bars, trendy events, etc).  I just don’t relate to them anymore.  So moving closer to the city seemed so unappealing to me, if I moved I would rather move further out where it is more peaceful, less crowded, and maybe less high-speed.

But I hate moving. I moved all the time from freshman year of college until now. Chris and I were both so happy to have a house, a place we could settle into, and possibly never have to move again. 

But the real reason is that I didn’t want to lose more of Chris than I already have.  He loved our house, he was so proud of it.  He use to walk around the yard brainstorming.  He called it surveying his domain.  He was so damn adorable. 

It isn’t fancy.  It is a strange little ranch, but it was ours.  The idea of selling it breaks my heart too much. It is a lot of work to clean and do yard work but what else do I have to do with my time?  

So in an effort to make it not so painful, I am trying to make the house my own.  So redoing the basement and making it a nice media room to entertain (not that I really do that yet, but someday) with a nook for puzzles and reading and knitting by the fireplace will help.  It will force me to rearrange the rest of the house and it will all look different enough that I think it will take the edge off, but still keep the echos of him in the house.

Chris surveying his domain from our porch

I hope I can stay for a while and this change helps.  At least until “the next phase of my life”.  That is what my father-in-law called it.  Ugh, the idea of it makes me want to rip my hair out.  I don’t want another phase. Blech.

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One Response to “Decisions”

  1. Mandy Says:

    Once again, our losses are so very different, but the aftermath is so very similar in so many ways. I just recently wrote about beginning the process of turning Hudson’s playroom/memorial room (and eventually a playroom again for Jackson) partly into a crafty space for me. I hope you can create a space that is both a special one for you but also a place where you can go to be with Chris whenever you need to.


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