January 31, 2011

I was talking someone today and she said something that struck me as true.  I was talking about how my parents still come and stay with me every few weeks and how it is nice to have them up.  She said it helps break up the monotony and that is exactly how it feels.  Every day is not just painful and overwhelming it is monotonous, devoid of joy, and just like the day before.

I wake up, like a robot.  Turn of my alarm, shuffle to the shower, follow my routine.  The routine gives me enough momentum to keep going through the morning.  So in many ways, while the morning was the worst at first, now I am just numb through it and can get myself to work ok. 

I sit at my desk alternate between bursts of trying hard to focus, being distracted by things that don’t require thought, meetings where I have to pretend I care, and moments of trying to get through the grief.  Then eventually, my time at work ends.  I want to leave because I am tired of being here and have used my energy.  Deep in my subconscious I remember the days of racing home to be with Chris or to be at home to greet Chris, so that reflex is still there.

Once I am in my car and driving home and I don’t call him and he doesn’t call me to see what either of us is doing, I remember.  I don’t have anyone to go home to.  I don’t really want to go home.  So often I will drive around, run errands.  Make stops. Most of them completely useless.  For the first time since I moved to a traffic plagued area, I don’t want traffic to move quicker.  At least when I am in my car I don’t have to be somewhere, find a way to fill the time, my restless spirit is occupied by being  on my way somewhere. 

Then I get home.  Depending on how cold it is, I stay in my car for a while to adjust to the quiet.  Outside it seems easier.

Then I walk into the house and am overwhelmed with the hours that stretch ahead of me.  Generally I waste them watching tv, wandering around from small task to small task.  Sometime I am more productive. Sometimes I schedule a class, a dinner, something to do with friends, and it is a way to fill the night.  But that is all it is, a way to fill time.  The cold, gray, gross weather doesn’t help. 

That is one of the biggest changes for me since Chris’s death.  I no longer have a life I enjoy and am grateful for. I have a life I am just trying to fill until its my turn to die or I enjoy it again, who knows what will come first.  I wish I were in my 80s, then it wouldn’t be so hard to fill a few years, but at 29 the weight of 50ish years to fill is nauseating. 

Monotonous.  Yes.  Feeling like I am stuck in never-ending postapocalyptic like despair.  Absolutely.  But I keep waking up and going through the motions, I don’t have much of a choice.  There is enough of the old me to want to still pay my bills and is too restless to lay in bed all day and that if I keep going through the motions, they will carry me to a day when I want my life again.


3 Responses to “Monotony”

  1. megan Says:

    Busy work. All the little things set one after another to hurl oneself through the day. The thought of a long life can be so entirely overwhelming. To do list: hurl self through one day at a time Only. No more than one at a time.

  2. Veronica Says:

    I feel the exact same way. It’s just become a chore to pick up and keep going. I can put on a face through most of the day, but it hardly ever seems worth it. But this can’t be it forever, that’s all I’m holding onto – that one day it will be easier. Thinking about you.

  3. ellen Says:

    This is exactly how I feel everyday. Then the weeknds come and I can’t do anything other than what is absolutly necessary such as buy a bottle of wine and hope it get late enough so I can start drinking it! Talk to girl friends on the phone who don’t seem to get that I am still in pain. Try to be sensative and helpful to college age boys that are still in so much pain. I feel that I am only living for them to be able to go on and not be too traumitized otherwise don’t really care and ready to go. The future does not look very bright.

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