Stranger

January 8, 2011

I look at the people in these pictures and I dont’ know who they are. 

On a hay-ride

Faint echos of laughter, kisses, jokes float in my mind, but it is like watching a movie.

Abstractly I remember being with Chris and the things we did but I don’t feel like I remember his presence.  What it was like to have him around.  His laugh.  What he would say about things.  Do I even know him anymore?  My brain seems to have pushed him out in order to survive.

In some ways I am grateful.  I have realized that my brain knows what it is doing and how much I can handle.  Clearly I can’t handle much.  Those few moments where I fully realize and feel the loss of Chris (my Chris, the man who would wag his tail like a dog when I got home from work) is dead, gone forever and it makes me sick. The pain is so great I nearly vomit. 

It also makes me heartbroken to think that our love, our marriage, the beautiful intimacy of two people who love each other above all else, can be wiped away so easily.  It makes me scream at the injustice. 

But maybe it is more than just my brain, maybe its me.  I have changed so much, been through so much, felt so much on my own and not with Chris.  This version of me isn’t settled and happy and loved, she hasn’t known the amazing feeling of coming home to your soul mate.  She has grown, gained strengthened, grieved deeply, and become her own soul mate. 

How can my old life with Chris seem real after all of this?  It doesn’t.  Chris is not my flesh and blood

I love you

husband, he is a memory.  Maybe that is what it is, it is merely my adjustment from Chris as a person to a memory.

I guess this is where mindfulness would come in handy.  Just let it be what it will be. 

****

Baby,

I love you.  Our life was torn apart and we have gone our separate ways.  Even though you feel distant and unreal, I chose to love you everyday, as I promised on the day we got married.

I love you,

M

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