A letter to my husband: re the children we will never have

January 8, 2011

Baby,

I was getting to a point where I had been able to convince myself that its ok we never had kids, that without you I am not interested in them.  That I could find a way to have a meaningful life as a widow without children.

Then I was walking out of the gym and I saw a mom and her daughter.  The girl was chattering on about something about dogs and was very cute.  I smiled genuinely at them, trying to convey how heartwarming the girl was.  Then as I passed them, it hit me again, like a sucker punch, that we will never have that. We will never get to meet our children.

I sobbed as I walked to my car.  Sobbed as I got in and closed the door.  What would our daughter (Juliet? ) have looked like?  Tall and slim with dark hair like you? Would she have your athleticism and charisma?  Or would she have my studiousness and humor?  What would it have been like to hold her and watch her (and any siblings) grow with you by my side?

I am so sorry I didn’t get to give them to you.  I wanted to give you children with all my heart.  I am so sorry baby, I wish I could fix it.

I love you

M

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One Response to “A letter to my husband: re the children we will never have”

  1. Mandy Says:

    Nothing is worse than the constant stream of imaginings about all the things that should be and all the things that never will. I am so, so sorry.


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