Holidays Schmolidays

January 5, 2011

I survived. I am here.  The last few months have been so draining, starting with our anniversary October 17th, through my dad’s birthday, my niece’s birthday, Chris’s birthday, my mom’s birthday, Chris’s nephew and brothers birthday on top of Chris’s favorite holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.  We use to call it our “busy season” now it feels like a season of doom.  I hadn’t realized until yesterday how much more stress all of these days added to my daily life, if you can call it that.  How much energy it sapped to be continually planning ways to get through these days and bear the weight of his absence. 

Waking up Saturday morning was hard.  To know that it was a year Chris will never be a part of was gut wrenching.  But I did it, the best I could and I am living to tell the tale.

Am I relieved?  Maybe. The past few days I have been feeling more fed up, tired of being miserable and in pain all the time.  The past few months have been so intense my body and soul is tired.  A different tired from how it was the first few months.  Now it is more weary than exhausted.  But yesterday between my support group and grief counselor I was feeling more inspired. I have been feeling more interested in making something of what I have.  I don’t know what it looks like, but the spark is struggling through.

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