8 Months Ago …

December 29, 2010

Chris collapsed walking into work and we both died.  I can’t believe it has been 8 months.  Chris has been dead longer than we were married.

I was going to write about the day he died as I haven’t really talked much about it here, but I don’t feel up to it.  It is still so raw, it makes me sick to think about it. 

I will highlight one accomplishment for today, I went shopping.  I know to many it wouldn’t seem like such a big deal, but I haven’t wanted to buy new clothes since I lost the 15 lbs after Chris died.  I am trying to care about how I look again. It is hard to look in the mirror, I don’t recognize the person looking back.  She looks the same, if more gaunt and tired, but I feel so different. 

Next … a haircut. 

Wishing everyone peace tonight.

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4 Responses to “8 Months Ago …”

  1. megan Says:

    shopping Is a huge accomplishment. Nothing is just shopping.

  2. Mandy Says:

    M– I want to thank you for visiting my blog today and to tell you how incredibly sorry I am that your husband is gone. As incredibly painful as the last seven and a half months have been since we lost our amazing daughter, I can truly say that I can’t imagine the pain of losing my husband. Grief is so very lonely, even with a partner– I am so sorry that at the time you need him most, you don’t have yours. Our experiences, while very different, are also very similar– the sudden and completely unexpected loss of the most precious creature in our lives and the resulting world turned upside down in which we are now forced to live. I’m so very sorry that you are having to walk this road.

    Last winter was our happiest time with our little girl, too– she loved the snow so much, even at only a year or so old. I, too, felt a sense of betrayal the first time it snowed this year without her. I hate for you that something that should bring so much joy now brings so much pain.

    It has been almost eight months for us, too, and it still feels like yesterday. It still feels like she was just here. And boy, do I understand not recognizing the person you see in the mirror. To me, just getting out of bed every day (which I manage to do somehow) still feels like an accomplishment in and of itself, so please give yourself a lot of credit for doing something as big as going shopping. I know how hard it is to go shopping and see all these happy, intact, naive families at the mall.

    Anyway, so sorry to leave all this in a comment, but I just wanted you to know that I am here, bearing witness to your grief. Please feel free to contact me via the email on my blog if you ever want to chat personally. Like I said, we can’t understand exactly how the other is feeling, but we can certainly understand a lot of it.

    Thinking of you during what I know is a terribly difficult time of year.

  3. *amber* Says:

    It seems my new “hobby” is seeking blogs of other widows; such an ugly word. You’re post are truly touching. I lost my husband 6 weeks and 1 day ago. I can’t seem to remember what day it is, but I can tell anyone nearly down to the minute when my husband passed. Anyway I know your post are just your true raw emotion, but I appreciate your willingness to share them.

  4. widowedowl Says:

    Amber, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I have found widow/widower blogs to be very helpful over the past year. Keep reading as long as you need to. I have found aroudn month 11 I didn’t need them as much and have fallen off (thus my lack of posting).

    Take care of yourself, you have a long road ahead. But hopefully someday you will be able to breath freely again.


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