A Christmas Letter to My Husband
December 24, 2010
It is Christmas and it is cold and dark. I spent last night with your family and it made me so sad to know that they don’t get to have you for Christmas anymore, they don’t get to have me either, as I am not really me anymore.
We sat around the table that I remember from when we were first dating and I was so nervous and wanted them to like me. I kept expecting you to walk around the corner and sit next to me, kiss me and joke around with the rest of us.
I went to your grave today. I don’t go as often as I should, or maybe I go to often. I hate that you are there alone in the cold. Every time I go I hate to leave you. I know in spirit you aren’t there, but I am desperate to be close to you, and the body I loved the hands, eyes, hair, arms, back, feet are there.
I wander through my day seeking you out, but can’t find you. I email you, I write you, I write here. I talk to you, I listen to the old message I have that use to make me laugh but now makes me cry. I walk around the house from room to room, touch your things, putting on your clothes, looking at pictures, avoiding pictures. My urge to be with you is limitless, instinctual, and can never be satisfied.
How am I going to get through tomorrow and the day after. My first Christmas without you. We only got 4 Christmases together, two while dating, one engaged, one married. What is worse is all the Christmases we will never have. We will never get to watch our little ones have their first Christmas and stay up late to build gifts for them. It weighs so heavily on my heart; I don’t have the words to express it.
I wish I had something positive and uplifting to say, some wonderful Christmas message. But I don’t. All I have is my undying love for you, my handsome husband, my sexy beast.
I love you forever,