I wish ….

December 22, 2010

that I could cuddle up with Chris on the couch

that I could call Chris to talk about our day and make plans for dinner

that we got to pick out Christmas gifts for our families together, rather than me wandering around Barnes and Noble trying not to have a breakdown in the middle of the store

that I got to surprise Chris again with a great gift like last year

that we got to decorate our house together and do the traditions we had started the year before

that I was pregnant and we could tell our families as a Christmas surprise like we had joked about

that I could see his smile, hear his laugh, hold his hand, see his face, hold him in my arms, rub our feet together for warmth

that I didn’t feel so damn lonely, even when surrounded by truly wonderful family and friends

that this Christmas wasn’t so depressing and empty

that I could keep going on as before, strong and confident in Chris’s love, our love, that he is with me now

that I didn’t struggle with bitterness and resentment everyday

that I didn’t dread the future

that I could go back to being Chris’s wife, not his widow

Hopefully some of them will come true and maybe this will be the worst Christmas of my life and they will all get better from here.

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3 Responses to “I wish ….”

  1. Veronica Says:

    My sentiments exactly. I hate watching the world go on as normal while we stand still, drowning…

    Prayers for you this Christmas. We’re supposed to survive this, right?

  2. widowedowl Says:

    We will survive it, one way or another.

  3. megan Says:

    though whether we Want to survive it is entirely another…


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