December 17, 2010

Last winter with my baby

I may have said this already, but last winter was the happiest time of my life. Chris and I were finally married, we were redoing the basement, talking about having kids, and we got to spend tons of time together since we kept getting snowed in.  We built snow forts and had an actual war, sled in our yard (with several “homemade” sleds), made delicious food, and cuddled a lot.  It was heaven.  I never wanted it to end, I wanted to stay like that forever, live forever.  What could heaven have on being at home with Chris? Nothing.  Being away from him is hell not heaven.  If I could go back and relive our winter, I would, over and over and over.  All the while, he was slowly dying, and neither of us knew, but that is a topic for another post.

It snowed today, with actual accumulation and it made me angry, sad, so many  hard emotions.  I was angry that I had to deal with the annoyances of the snow (bad roads, shoveling, etc) without him.  I was sad that I can’t experience the fun parts of snow with him anymore.  I fear another big snow like last year (i.e. feet and feet of snow), I don’t think it would be good for my mental state to be snowed in alone for a week.  I don’t want to shovel on my own. I don’t want to feel like a burden and needing someone to come get me or help me.  I hate it all. 

But I did it.  I got home without Chris’s truck.  I shoveled my drive way and sidewalk on my own. I am making chili  that he loved and watching tv.  It is quiet, but I am getting use to it. 

I just love him and if he could just be here, then I would be in heaven.


2 Responses to “Winter”

  1. txmomx6 Says:

    I just wanted to say hi and let you know that you’re not alone. I saw your comment on Widow’s Voice (I’m one of the writers).
    I’m so sorry that you’re on this road. It sucks.
    It does get easier, but it’s a very long road. As you know already, we take one step forward and three steps back.
    I’m glad that you found our site and I hope that it brings you some level of comfort …. if only to let you know that you’re not alone and you’re not crazy.

  2. widowedowl Says:

    Thanks for the note Janine. I find much comfort in my fellow widows/widowers. Just being understood makes a difference.


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