December 15, 2010

At our rehearsal dinner October 2009

For any of you widows out there, you probably know how many thoughts run through your head as you grieve.  The continual change of mood, thought and emotion can be overwhelming, especially as many of these emotions can be very complicated.  I have tried to find ways to look at Chris’s life with positive thoughts.  Not long after Chris’s birthday, as I was in a moment of fully understanding and acknowledging that Chris is gone for the rest of my life, that his life is over, that all has been decided, I tried to focus on my role in his life and on how he may have looked at it.  I know I made him happy, so happy he said the night before he died he never wanted to leave me and wanted to be with me forever, and I want to take pride in that.  Pride in the fact that he got to be happy until the last moments of his life because I loved him so much.  Not many people get to have that.

It is of course easier said than done.  It is a tough pill to swallow.  I would much rather spend the rest of my life making him happy liked I vowed to do on our wedding day. But I don’t get that choice.  I don’t get to make him food he loves, I don’t get to make him laugh so hard he cries, I don’t get to rub his neck and shoulders when they hurt, I don’t get to give him children.  It is the worst feeling anyone could ever feel and words don’t do it justice.  But when it threatens to consume me, I try to focus on what I did get to do.  I got to give Chris the happiest day of his life (so he told me), our wedding day. I got to give him 4 years of wonderful memories, laughter, and love.  I got to support the things he loved and make them important to me.  I got to be a loving girlfriend, fiancée, wife and make him feel like the most important person in the world.  I got to create a home for him that he never wanted to leave.  I got to strenghten his faith.  I got to give him a love that was unconditional, limitless, and is stronger than death and I am proud.


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